Yesterday my son overheard me confiding to a friend that I feel like I got hit by a truck.  He asked, “Why did the truck hit you, Mommy?” And I explained that it was not a real truck, it was a metaphorical truck.  Near as I can tell he knows what a metaphor is… so, rather than ask what a metaphor is, he replied,  “Oh.  Was I driving it?” YES.  You were.  This truck has your name ALL OVER IT.  And I think it hit Danette, too.

As a result, my darling child who captivated the checker at Home Depot with your beautiful sea-gray eyes today, welcome to life in the supermax facility.  I’ve locked the meds up in a heavy-duty toolbox with a padlock.  And I HID the key.  I’ve also ordered a magnetic lock for the cabinet where the toolbox is kept, purchased a new keyed doorknob for the bathroom door, and ordered a 95db alarm for the bathroom door- which can only be deactivated with a key.  And I’m going to hide THAT key, too.  (My poor husband might be a wee bit overwhelmed by all this.  He asked if we could just get a combination lock, and write the combination on the outside of the med box.  HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING? NO!!!)

Then I ordered 125db alarms for all our exterior doors, and I’m busy researching pool enclosure alarms for the back gates.  Some of them have had iffy reviews, and I need one that works so well people in the next county get worried and hit the brakes when my kid eventually breaks out of the yard and heads toward the road.

I know you are thinking, “whoa, this dame has crossed over into paranoid la-la land!”  Well, enjoy the ride, because there’s more.

I’ve never felt the need to purchase anti-burglar devices to deter, you know, burglars, but I was at Home Depot today shopping for them to keep my kid in bounds.  I spent a long time at the biometric safe display and checked out a couple motion sensor systems.  Then, I told off some middle aged contractor dude… for touching my cart.  Ian was sitting in it and that guy was moving it without even looking to see if he had his hands in. So, for your amusement, I am now that woman who gives total strangers a ticking off if they come too near her child.

I cannot WAIT to hear what kind of therapy Ian needs as an adult.  And I hope he and Sophie get married and have TWINS.  Because Danette and I want to LAUGH AT THEM. Daily. In the meantime, I’ll be self medicating with ice cream.  Because it works.  My OB promised me at my appointment on Thursday morning that I would NOT gain another 9 pounds next month.  I should have asked her to put money on that. 

(Oh yeah… I almost forgot, I did have an OB appointment on Thursday.  It seems so long ago… the baby’s doing great, my blood pressure is great.  I feel enormous because I have gained 18 pounds, 9 of them in the last four weeks.  What can I say, I’m an overachiever.  I plan to amaze you all with the size of my rear by the time this kid takes his first breath.)